I Miss Myself

Chronic pain. This is what now defines me. I am drowning in so much pain. I cannot feel silence for pain is screaming in my faint mind. I miss my pain-free days. Now I sleep knowing I’m running from pain, but meeting it once again soon. This has been my everyday life for a year or so. Jaw. Teeth. Neck. Back. Body. Soul. Everything’s decaying. I watch FRIENDS every once in a while to cheer myself up. But all in all, I am drowning. My friends talk about recent accomplishments and experiences, and here I am fighting my own battles. I try to hold on to the things that brought me happiness and self-worth in the past, but little do they do. What is required from me at this point? God, I prayed to you till my mouth has gone silent. My feet have gone weary. I went to your house and tried bonding with the so-called your people. I even went to a trip to find you. But all I found was more pain, more agony to my soul. Will I see good days again? Will I smile and not feel tired? Because right now, I lay down most of my days. In silence I drown in my pain. The only thing I can feel. No focus nor concentration can exist. I try to divert it but it’s stronger than me. I am only 20. Don’t I deserve to taste life? I’ve sacrificed a lot for you God. I thought you were saving me for good days. I thought you planned something special. Was I wrong about you? Were you wrong about your promises? I am tired. I told you this before. Everyday brings more pain. My little soul has taken so much. My body has suffered. What kind of life is this? Is this anywhere near fair? Is anything fair? I don’t know. I feel like I had so much to offer. I loved to help people so much. I loved to give answers to people that seemed lost. I loved to give my assuring smile. I loved to bond and feel. I miss feelings. I miss enjoying myself. I miss happiness. Simple happiness. What is this suffering for? What have I done to deserve all this? All I wanted was a life of happiness. A share of good days to my young years. I sacrificed all for you. I missed out on a lot of things during my teenage years because I held you to my side and decided to follow you. Is this my reward? 🙂 I am speechless. I have no words to say. No words to pray. No words to think. No words to wonder. Aching in silence has become my signature. I miss myself. I miss my pain-free days. I miss when I felt like a person. Drowning. Will you save me? Because I lost hope. I trusted you with me. 🙂

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Breathe into me

I need life. I am devoid of energy and I need you to breathe life into me. I know you can pull me out of idleness. I know you can widen my lips for a smile again. I need to feel the air through my skin and pray my prayers in silence as I contemplate your glory. Guide me. Hold me. Pull me unto you always. I want nothing but you. I trust your plan, although I don’t see it clearly. I need to be able to feel awake again. I need your peace to fill me from within. Jesus please don’t leave me like this. Broken and helpless I’ve become. I miss my smile. I miss my enthusiasm and sureness about the world. I miss gazing to the stars. I miss the harmony of faith. I have no other paths. Open up my path. I’ve become tired of waiting for so long. Open up my gates to joy. I am ready. I am thankful to you. I am faithful in you. Breathe into me, Jesus. Make me alive in you. Open up my gates.

I Want To Live

I want to live, but I can’t seem to find it right. I want to enjoy my sail through life, but there’s something pulling me back. I’m anxious and can’t take it easy. It is hard, I say to myself. I want to live free of pain. I don’t want regrets to build up in the end. I want to be proud of the life I own. I want to live with the principles I value. I pray to God. Find me my way. Lord Jesus pave me a way that will brighten things up. I’m tired of being depressed. I’m tired of adopting the rules of others. I want to feel free for once. I want to enjoy. I want to lose myself in something. I don’t want to overthink stuff in my poor little head. I have faith, but I can’t feel happiness still. I need to smile and laugh. I need to live. Build me my life.

Seeking shape

I am seeking shape. I am seeking form. When things get so irregular in shape, I cannot make anything out of it. I need some form that I can build upon. I need structure that I can foster and rise with. Void is all I am seeing and there’s nothing to see or touch. I venture into the emptiness, my emptiness, to reach for something I can’t find, but I don’t. New things need to be created from scratch. Foundations will be set. Bricks will be assembled in masses. The building process has to start now. It’s been delayed for long. It’s been put off since as long as I can remember. There is pain, but buildings have to rise. The void has to cease.

Celebration of Faith

Faith. A most heart-warming word. I need to celebrate it. For when it is there, I need to acknowledge its dear presence. There have been times when it was gone. And so I celebrate it being here. Rise to power. Rise to power because you are everything to me. You hold my past; you hold my future. In you I have dwelt for my lowest days and it was you that I have embraced for my highest ones. Bind my heart with your laces of gold. Hold me close so I can be set free. In the congregation of candles I felt you strong and as the refreshing stream approached my feet I have felt you deep. Surround me wholly. In you I can find myself after my weary days. In only you I can retain my holy spirit. Thank you for always being there when I call. I claim my life to you. Take me to where you find me fit.

Pain

Pain transforms us. In a matter of seconds it can alter all our reality. It is the most powerful catalyst for change. It is our worst enemy, or maybe our truest friend. Pain sends amplified signals to us. And sometimes, these signals are life-saving. They force us to open our eyes and look beyond our limits. Pain can be so hard to manage, but eventually it will subside. And if you learn from the period of pain, then you will surely live to see a better life. Truth is, we need to feel pain. We need it to sting us from time to time when we fail to recognize things. I hope my pain heals me. I hope my pain makes me a better person. I hope its scars grant me strength. Amen.

Friends or foes?

Most of the time, we blame our enemies for our failures and adversities; but nothing could be farther from the truth. Our enemies never have any power over us. We naturally develop defense mechanisms against those who we consider our enemies. We never let them march into the boundaries we draw. We make sure they never come near. Unfortunately, our deepest wounds come from those who are near enough to thrust their daggers into us. To them, we draw no lines; we never take up arms. Sometimes we ignore the fact that we are bleeding, although we’re losing so much blood. If we ask our scars, they’ll tell us who really made them. They’ll tell us who made us in pain. For their depth stems from the people closest to us, the ones we trusted with the world. The ones we called ours. And that’s why emotional healing demands so much work and sweat. When you’re in pain, look closer. When you’re down, use your senses. It’s never far away. It’s as close as it gets. And that’s how it goes..

Free Soul

No piece of land can claim my soul. No belief system binds my heart. My soul is free to roam about without regrets. To every patch of Earth I do belong. I am in the smiles of Africa, and the festivities of Brazil. I am celebrating in a Swedish midsummer and sipping Bedouin tea in the deserts of Egypt. I’m bowing in the temples of Nepal, and dancing by the frozen lakes of Siberia. My soul travels through time and space incessantly searching for life. Clocks are deceiving. Days do not end. Time is not numbers. As the toddler takes his first steps I rejoice inside. As the flowers open up to the skies above I see me smiling. My soul goes by like the waves of the ocean, limitless. No institution or entity can call me their own. I’m a free soul.

Beautiful

You’re beautiful. Everything about you, everything you are. The way you laugh when you don’t care. The way you push yourself forward and dare. You make me forget about the world going by. About the plans I’ve been setting up. Your mere presence calms my restless soul. You make me alive. You are my gem in the roaring waves flying by. Come unto me till my world comes tumbling by. I need you to tear my mind apart, every once in a while. Kiss me till the sky changes to the colour of our hearts. As the night liberates its stars on our bodies, we’re intertwined. Me and you forever in the depth of stars. Dream as you rest your face on my heart. It is where you belong. But you were long apart. Don’t wake up from your sleep. The night is longer than ever. The trees have witnessed our vows.

Today I Smile

As of today, I choose to smile. I choose to give my frown away for good. I smile not because life is easy, but because it is somehow beautiful. I smile not because I’ve never been in pain, but because I gather all my lessons from it. I smile not because I have no enemies, but because I do not lend them an ear. I smile not because I have no fear, but because I learnt it’s only normal. I smile not because my heart has not been broken, but because it eventually heals itself. I smile not because the world is fair, but because I try to be. I smile not because there is no evil, but because there is so much good around every corner. Today I smile not because the night is not cold, but because the sun is set to shine.